Back from Outer Space

Hey everyone. I'm sorry I have been seemingly off the planet for the last few weeks. As some of you may know, my mother-in-law passed away. I spent two long weeks back in Colorado with family as she her health deteriorated. The loss...crushing. After a fairly routine surgery, Doris suffered two incredibly damaging strokes. As her health declined, the family stood together waiting to make...decisions.

I think the pain from her loss feels too fresh, too surreal, and too raw to go into detail just yet. But when I am ready you know I will share.

I decided to spend a week away from the computer and emails when we returned. I facebooked a little, but I concentrated on getting back to the daily routine of living and I have poured myself into helping Chris deal with these traumatic event. Truth be told one of the few comforts I get is dedicating myself to staying busy by keeping him occupied. I find myself saying random things when I am feeling silly like rapping where the dishes go "Put the dish below...your momma no ho" and then immediately feeling sick to my stomach for uttering anything that refers to mothers. I turn the channel at the "Thanks Mom" Olympic commercials. I have found he just wants to know I am there...that I'm present even if we are not talking. We go on longer walks sometimes bubbling with conversation, sometimes with extended moments of silence. He looks forward to making dinner or little errands he has decided he wants to run. Once I woke up to the unmistakable breathing of him trying not to cry. I hold his hand when we sleep. I don't know what else to do. Grieving is such a personal, secret process.

As time trudges forward so will we. We have big decisions to make concerning our whereabouts and employment for next year. We let the pressures of reality simmer on the back burner as we deal with this new grief. We garden, we wash dishes, we sit on the couch. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.