"So How About You Impregnate Me Now" and Other Phrases to Avoid

I’ve decided to list the three most annoying parts (pardon the pun) in trying to get pregnant the scientific way. In no particular order….drum roll please….

1. Scheduled sex. It’s hilarious really. There’s nothing more romantic than feeling bloated from medication, weepy from out of whack hormones, and the pressure of knowing its now or never. We are not terribly busy people, but ovulation seems to not wait for mine, or his for that matter, libido. I caught myself saying, “So how about you impregnate me now?” It was cheesy, but forward. It reminded me of the line in America Pie “Do me beautiful.” I thought the comment might suffice, but not so much.

2.The effects of medication: I take Metformin and recently Clomid. The problem with Metformin: it makes your stomach swell up and well.... instead of morphing into a gorgeous specimen, one feels ready to pop. The relief--- gas. EWWWWWW! Girls are not supposed to fart….ick I just typed fart. I can’t even write about flatulence in an adult way. So compound the bloating with the fear of farting and love really isn’t on the brain. And don’t lie ladies….we’ve all been there before.Thus a phrase to never utter while trying to entice your man, "Excuse me, I tooted."

3. Post Coitus: After loving on your man you imagine cuddling and whispering Shakespearian-esque sweet nothings. Nope. Not us. I lay propped on pillows to help gravity…I lay for thirty minutes. I barely move begging for gravity to work in my favor. “Just keep swimming!” And for the love of St. Pete don’t sneeze! I need every one of those suckers! Thus, as I lay rigid unable to complain about the channel he is now watching, we just seem to sit there. Eventually, I move but not far, I’ve already prepped pajamas on the side of the bed.  Nothing kills the natural high intimacy brings like "I once knew a guy who said he hung his wife upside down to get pregnant" or "Shit! I just sneezed."

My final thought:

Everything I read says to let the process unfold itself organically. But how? It’s a process--- there’s nothing organic about process. A process implies a system. And our system needs tweaking for maximum efficacy and enjoyment. So I determined this is one part of my life that books can’t enter. I read about food, decorating, politics, fiction, movies, non-fiction…. I’ve flooded the engine with too much information. We can do this….no assembly required.